asdf;

Thats it.

I'm giving up all of my hope and dreams and dropping out of school to become a mother fucking bad ass. I'm going to go to the city with my seventy buck and never come back.


" keep your chin up and we'll sink a little slower."

And there's a piece of you in every single second of every single day....

I know its stupid and it shouldn't hurt like this. I don't know why it does or why I can't help it. It sucks. I am sitting here crying because you said happy birthday to her and you supposedly made plans with my best friend to surprise me on my birthday and you ditched just like you always do. That's all I wanted for my birthday; you. I miss you. Maybe Christmas..

I can't believe its been a year already. This sucks. Everyone asks me who I am "with" or "talking to" and I just can't be happy with anyone else. I will find some monumental flaw that makes them completely unavailable to me.


Dear Little Boge[My Kitten]
I can tell you don't like it when I cry. I would give you permission to scratch him when he comes over, but I know he won't so don't bother looking forward to it. Learn from what I can't learn myself.

Oh, yes, of course, mhmm, i understand. ok. aw. sorry.

Why do you all come to me with your stupid boy problems expecting answers and wishing you were like me. Bullshit you would hate being me. Watching everyone fall in love around you after he ate your heart is the worst. You say you wish you could get away from the guys but do you want to be stuck in your room blogging to zero followers while your best friends are out with their guy friends and people that look at them like they are their everything longing for someone to look at you with such passion and desire. It sucks.. It sucks ass and no one cares or believes you. Just because i don't have to deal with guys and their problems I still have shit to deal with like my fucked up family and bitches spreading rumors about me. Its not easy. I am called a whore anyway. I would rather be called a whore and have guy friends then be called a whore and never been kissed because that worse. Its the reminder that they are taunting you for what you know you can never be but you wish you could. Then there is the whole idea that a a sophomore has never been kissed before? OH., she must be a lesbian so lets spread that rumor and ruin any chances she had with guys. I am not a lesbian, not that I have a problem with homosexuals you know you love who you love dont judge, but I don't think its fair that people make assumptions. Wanna know why I am single?
Because I'm chubby, sensitive, easily hurt, not a attractive as my friends, quiet, shy, smart, worrisome, careful, caution, straight edge (no smoking, no drugs, no drinking.) So what. I am not going to change you because you want to be with me. I am not going to judge you, I'm not like that. What I will do is actually give a damn about you and not just date you for a specific reason (body, hair, etc.) SO WHAT.
The last person who convinced me I wasn't wrong for being how I am lied a lot. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should become a stereotype and wear risque outfit and become a cheerleader and stop eating. Or I could diet (aka eat salad once a day.) Sorry that doesn't work for me. I have a better idea. Why don't you all suck my dick and I will be happy with what I am, who I am, and who I want to be. I may not be happy with my body or the way I act sometimes but I am not ruining my life to get with a guy.




And btw. I wouldn't cry at a party because no one would hook up with me where everyone was drunk but still had enough common sense to not do it. :)

You don't want my heart, its too broken and really fragile.

I think that it has come to the point where I don't even bother anymore, honestly. My heart is so mangled and tormented people just don't want to handle it. I get that I guess. Maybe I am just to me...I am shy, I have speech problems, and I and not the prettiest. This doesn't mean I deserve to be tormented, does it?

Ipod Thoughts round one

Otay, so when I go to school i don't have any internet to tell you everything shitty that goes down so I have been typing them on my Ipod so here are the highlights:

July 20

I'm still in love with you. I say I a not and I say that I cannot stand you but honestly, I still love you more than anything. You broke my heart so many times and didn't even care even if you said sorry. I just can't believe what you say anymore. What happened to the days when you said that you would love me forever and that you thought that the way I talked was just so adorable... After everything, I would still give anything to be with you and I don't know why. I am a mess without you and I am emotionless.

TODAY!

That moment when you meet eyes and your heart starts to race all over again just like the first time you looked into those eyes, those gorgeous, gorgeous eyes. After that, no matter how hard you try or how much it tears you up inside you have to smile for a while. Those few minutes feel like an hour and through that hour you feel wonderful but then, you are left with your already torn up heart ripped out and served to you once again. To him, that eye contact was nothing; just another game. Nothing. No matter what you tell yourself he is still your everything and he is with you in everything; your breathing, your thoughts, your wishes, your fears, and you dreams.

FromFirstToLast Populace in two

Your memories will always haunt me like a ghost
To put it nicely I hope you choke
A poet of sorts but I'm not enough to give you an eyesore
It's hard to swallow with your hands around my throat
I'm sick and tired of, I told you so
You can call me at home but I know better than to answer the phone
When people ask about the last time that we spoke
I let the stitches do the talking for the most part
And I leave out how you threw a lamp through my front window

Just burn the photographs and bury all the pages that we knew
In short this is a long goodbye to unexpecting you

i love blasting this song at 130 in the morning

Birthday Irony.

I think its funny how I was in love with you so you dropped me and then became best friends with the poeple who have tormented me all of my life. Really, its mother fucking hilarious don't you think...

Lyrical Thoughts

Another six months I'll be unknown

I don't have any idea who anyone is anymore. Not my middle school best friends, my friends from last year, not even my best friend or, oh hell, myself. Why is everyone changing all of a sudden? Why am I still the same? Am I the same? I don't think I am. A lot has changed me; I needed to change; I need to change.

That's what makes my life so fucking fantastic.

Sarcasm. I use it as much as I can and as much as I need to. I use it to lie to people and have them believe me without guilt. I use it to throw insults. I also take peoples words sarcastically sometimes just so I have a reason to be angry. Every day she will ask how is school and I say fine. Maybe one day I can tell her about how much over a piece of crap place it is with crap people in it. To do that I have to tell her a lot she doesn't need to know.

____________________________________________________________________

Lyric of the Night.

If you hate me then fuck you! <3

New Favorite Poem Book Ever. EVER!

I'm Tyrannosaurus!

I've got it made;

With my long, sharp teeth,

I'm never afraid.

I am Diplodocus,

Gigantic and slow;

I like to eat plants

Wherever I go.

Words are Flowing Out Like Endless Rain into a Paper Cup

I hate the girls that love to hate because they're just like me.

My ARCH NEMESIS sits next to me in my one class, oh joy. It is going to be a long year. I am going back to being me. Fuck everyone who wants to change that. I am going to be that awkward quite girl that doesn't give a shit. The fact that I am turning 15 and still pathetically single is, well, pathetic-er. Is that a word? Is that even possible?

a word from the used:

"Is it worth it? Can you even hear me? Standing with you spotlight on me. Not enough to feed the hungry, I'm tired and I've felt it for a while now, in this sea of lonely. The taste of ink is getting old and its Four O'clock in the Fucking Morning Each day gets more and more like the last day."

No meaning to this post, just a good song :)

Comfort.

The one thing that I has always and will always make me feel safe is having a guy hold or have his arms around me. I think it is just a sense of security they provide that makes all the bad things go away and I forget my problems. So why is it that I made the one thing that makes me feel okay is the one thing that I may never have?

hey guys

hey theres this stupid girl that has been tormenting me since fifth grade. Haha, don't you just love it. I legitimately hate everyone. Like, do people really have nothing better to do :) what ever. Happy Hurricane-ing everyone!

Random motivational fact: Dying is easy. Living is hard.

Things I hate: 1

I hate having to tell people what you did because they always say that I should forget you; that I am better, but what they don't understand is you were everything I wanted and needed and you were just so perfect it is still hard to believe what you did. What is worse is how they tell me that I am too smart for this. I know I am, but i still have hope. I want you so bad.

I don't know what to write about, but I want to write...

What are you doing right now? Are you living or just breathing? Thriving or surviving? You may be full of thoughts but are you thoughtless? Do you love to live or live to love?

I'm the kind of girl they love to hate. I can take it most days but sometimes it gets to me. I really take too much consideration of what people think of me... especial people that I don't even like. I have so many regrets and I regret things I can't even help. I have many flaws: I am quiet. I am not gorgeous. I am not very good at sports. I am not an artist. People tell me that I shouldn't sing even though I kinda like my voice... I say sorry too much. I fall in love to easy. My heart breaks even easier. I complain a lot. I want to be a vegetarian. I cry when I sing certain songs for no reason.

No, I am defiantly not perfect, I never said I was,

"We fall down on the inside; pretty on the outside."

I'm lonely and very afraid of this year to come. I am going to walk through the hallways with that fake smile pretending nothing is wrong when my whole world is falling apart around me. I can already see it.

I see teenage love forming all around me. A couple kissing sweetly in the commons while another walks hand-and-hand behind me. Those around me are giggling about the cute boy in third period and their hot summer flings and I just sit in my spot staring out, longing for the same, sweet feelings. I pretend I understand and throw in a giggle and nod every now and then to make it look like I'm there, but I'm not. I not even close. I am in my own world that formed around the hidden headphone in my left ear. I slouch against the wall and count the seconds until the bell rights. 600 seconds, 599 seconds, 598 seconds, 597... I feel a presence. I turn and see you have fallen into place besides me. You comment on my choice of clothing for the day but I can't tell if its honest or sarcastic. I pretend not to hear. You reach for my headphone as I turn the volume higher warning you not to get closer but you don't listen. Your arm extends over my chest and I remember what it was like those chilly winter afternoons feeling your hugs goodbye all over again. I look away hoping you don't notice the look in my eyes. The same look they portrayed during those January class sessions. I have a feeling it is going to happen all over again. No where to run. We met eyes for an everlasting second and I want to scream. You have a look of concern. I turn back to my notebook in attempt to focus your attention elsewhere but I see you are looking over my shoulder. Cautious as to what to write, I write my url though I know you will never go to it. I hear you ask what it is and I tell you it is my only escape and that you should check it out. Will you realize it is all about you?

Now, I turn back to my reality*

I am sitting here on facebook and keep noticing your name pop up. I wish you would message me, I really need someone to talk to tonight.

Lovin' is what I got.

Ha, jk.

I still think about the way you looked at her and I think about how it is all I have ever wanted. Why can't he look at me the way you looked at her. I really just don't get it. I looked in the mirror today for a long time and thought that I was actually pretty, but if that is true, than why am I the only one who has to say that they have never been kissed, never had a relationship, and doesn't understand why. However, here is the catch...I can say what heart break is; I can tell you heart break stories that make your skin crawl and you heart try to run away forever and hide in fear. If I know that, why is it that I can't tell stories that make you skin feel warm and tingly and your heart want to sit right inside and sigh in desire for that one special feeling. I don't really think that it is all that fair. Do you?

She complains of heart break and desperation to regain his love but she has it and she knows it and she wants it but she won't accept it. I complained about heartbreak to her love filled heart months ago and was written off because I wasn't even in a relationship. Do you know that that hurts worse? Falling in love and waiting for the person to make their move. I woke up every day for months thinking 'Today might be the day!" and going to sleep thinking "Maybe tomorrow :)' Sometimes there is no doubt in my mind that those thoughts were the only thing that kept me going to school every day and waking up. Other times there is no doubt in my mind that now the reason for the same motion is absent and that I needed that to get me through a horrible time. What about now during this bad time? Why am I alone all over again?

I miss him so much every day I yearn to seen his smile and feel the warmth of his arms around me. I want him back but I know two things; the chances of another return are both very likely and very unlikely and its just going to end in heart break.

Forth times the charm.

Side note: I am not going to text anyone first, post a facebook status, or make a call (with some exceptions) until someone shows me that its all worth the time and breath.

Bananas!

Hi. My name is Shauna. I like boys. :) Boys like to break hearts,especially mine.

QUOTE:

"The best ways to avoid being hurt are not letting anyone in and taking every word said about you as a compliment. Sadly, both have very bad downsides. Not letting anyone in means you are alone in you battles and must hold in you thoughts and struggles. Taking every word said about you as a compliment can still hurt and you may lose a sense of how you really see yourself."

describes me

"-you sit in your towel after a shower because you're too lazy to get dressed.

-you and your bestfriend can say one word, and crack up.

-you hate when one string of you're hoodie is longer than the other.

-you hate it when people think you like someone when you clearly don't.

-you hate it when your favorite song comes on, as you pull into the driveway.

-you feel like if you turn on the lights, you will be safe from anything.

-you push those little buttons on the lids of fast-food drinks.

-you laugh when people get hurt, then stop when you realize it's serious.

-you hate it when parents get serious about something funny you tell them.

-you hate when you tell a guy to shut up and they copy you in a higher voice.

-you pretend to sleep when your parents come in.

-you text the person next to you things that you can't say out loud.

-you hate when people in front of you walk really slow and you can't get past them.

-you're always tired no matter how much sleep you get.

-you stop the microwave before it hits 00:00 to avoid hearing the beeps.

-you use the "sup" head nod.

-you hate when you are mad at someone and they make you laugh.

-you check the fridge every ten seconds to see if food magically appeared"

POTTERMORE!

I GOT THE EMAIL SAYING I WOULD BE IN BY THE END OF AUGUST! :)

YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

(I'm not really that excited but everyone else seemed to be....)

teehee:)

How long has it been?

Lots have been happening! oh boy oh boy!

Today is Monday. I don't think that I have sleep at my house in like two weeks? :) :)

HEYGUYSIMADEFRIENDS!

but they aren't allowed back at my house :(... oh well. hahaa <3 long story...

BUT!

I might be going to six flags wednsday! YAY! :)

haha im a loser sorry i can't write about my life online like this :P

omnomnom

im not exciting am I

IMCRAZZY

Quote:

"When I was in school, I was bullied by these awful girls that weighted about thirty pounds less than I did......One day you will have a stage all your own too to sing and dance on."

~Lady Gaga <3

Soo Funny

Hey, give me a break I haven't slept yet broo <3

June Twenty-Seventh.

Right now, chillin' with my friend's 100 year old grandmother nbd. :D

Tomorrow: I get to meet my friend's half sister and while I'm not home MY SISTER IS MOVING OUT o.0 AND I GET THE BASEMENT BEDROOOOOMM :):):):):):)

By Friday I kinda think I should leave my friends house. :P

By Saturday I will have my rooom <3

20 Fun Facts!

1. My favorite color is purple.
2. I love you.
3. You're beautiful.
4. I need a job.
5. My middle name is Nicole.
6. I am such a typical teenager.
7. I deal with a lot.
8. I tolerate certain people a lot more than I should.
9. In the next few days I am moving into the room in the basement and I lie every time someone asks me why.
10. I am watching Who'es line is it anyway?
11. My favorite movie is Whip It.
12. I like to think that I don't ''like'' anyone.
13. I want a krabby patty.
14. I am in love with eyes. They are beautiful.
15. You are beautiful. <3
16. I am repeating facts ;)
17. When my sister moves out she it taking my cat and I am horrified something bad will happen but I won't say anything because that means that I get a new kitten.....
18. I hate some people and I don't even know why.
19. Some people I love and I don't know why. I have so many reasons to hate them.
20. Its almost 1 a.m. and all I can think about is him, of course.

Bonus:

It doesn't matter that it is one a.m. I think about him always; all day; all night; in my happiest moment; and in my darkest hour; I just know that every moment would be so much better if it was spent besides him. Every moment away from him is torture. Too bad he hates me now.

Cannot Wait

<3 <3

Softball is what makes my heart beat

Jenni Finch - I wish I could be nearly as talented as you

We go out and work hard. We play this game with emotion and love. Coach always says ‘Emotionally, physically, mentally -- come to the field prepared.’ Because if you don’t bring that to the field, you’re going to get beat.

--Laura Berg, outfield, Team USA

We’re prepared, and we’ve done everything we can to prepare for this moment in time. That’s what confidence is all about.

--Lisa Fernandez, pitcher, Team USA

Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta

You are my hero and I honestly cannot believe how inspirational you are. Honestly those five words changed my life knowing more about you. I swear, if I could be one person it would be you, not for the fame, not for the money, but to be able to say those five words with all my heart and to not care how many people call me crazy, stupid names. Those five words got me through freshman year and will do the same this year.

Look at me now, bitch.

Love, Hate, and Geometry

A is in love with B but B loves C while C is dating D and D is cheating on C with E.

Get it? Love is like geometry. Sick triangles that drive people insane while they are just looking for some answers.

"I am in love with a boy who is in love with a girl that hates his guts. It kills me every time he looks at her the way I look at him because I know just how much it hurts. I don't want him to hurt anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore."

Why?

Why do we put ourselves through heart break and pain and suffering just for one person who might never even know who you are? Everyday we realize new things about love (how much it hurts, who we love, why we love) but we never really get answers; not having answers is killing me. I want to know why I am sitting here thinking about one person and about one person alone when I know that they don't even care if I am alive or dead. I need to know why because I need to justify my stupidity for thinking that he actually cared.

Scrabble time with my daddy<3

Awkward

Hi again, 4:35 am now. I am also giving up on grammar. Woohoo! I didn't sleep last night, at all. I never do sleep much. I feel useless. I hate feeling useless. I am just an awkward kid from Jersey who just wants to get those last thoughts out. It is currently a Monday.

WAKE UP WORLD!

Who are you? Is it weird you all know what I look Like now? Well, I don't want to see you, no offense, but I just don't want to know what you look like.

For personal reasons of course. If I am spilling my heart, I don't want to know you.

Hate me yet? No? Most people I've know for this long hate me by now.

Congratulations.

Good night <3

Number 1

What's Good Bro?Its 4:28 a.m. and I can't find the remote. Please Disney Channel, stop making everyone sing, they aren't good.

Why am I doing this?I have no idea.

History Of My Life.Starting this school year, I am going to be a sophomore. Freshman year sucked. Freshman summer, well, so far its pretty much worse. Maybe that's why I'm doing this?

I give this two more blogs.