And there's a piece of you in every single second of every single day....

I know its stupid and it shouldn't hurt like this. I don't know why it does or why I can't help it. It sucks. I am sitting here crying because you said happy birthday to her and you supposedly made plans with my best friend to surprise me on my birthday and you ditched just like you always do. That's all I wanted for my birthday; you. I miss you. Maybe Christmas..

I can't believe its been a year already. This sucks. Everyone asks me who I am "with" or "talking to" and I just can't be happy with anyone else. I will find some monumental flaw that makes them completely unavailable to me.


Dear Little Boge[My Kitten]
I can tell you don't like it when I cry. I would give you permission to scratch him when he comes over, but I know he won't so don't bother looking forward to it. Learn from what I can't learn myself.

Oh, yes, of course, mhmm, i understand. ok. aw. sorry.

Why do you all come to me with your stupid boy problems expecting answers and wishing you were like me. Bullshit you would hate being me. Watching everyone fall in love around you after he ate your heart is the worst. You say you wish you could get away from the guys but do you want to be stuck in your room blogging to zero followers while your best friends are out with their guy friends and people that look at them like they are their everything longing for someone to look at you with such passion and desire. It sucks.. It sucks ass and no one cares or believes you. Just because i don't have to deal with guys and their problems I still have shit to deal with like my fucked up family and bitches spreading rumors about me. Its not easy. I am called a whore anyway. I would rather be called a whore and have guy friends then be called a whore and never been kissed because that worse. Its the reminder that they are taunting you for what you know you can never be but you wish you could. Then there is the whole idea that a a sophomore has never been kissed before? OH., she must be a lesbian so lets spread that rumor and ruin any chances she had with guys. I am not a lesbian, not that I have a problem with homosexuals you know you love who you love dont judge, but I don't think its fair that people make assumptions. Wanna know why I am single?
Because I'm chubby, sensitive, easily hurt, not a attractive as my friends, quiet, shy, smart, worrisome, careful, caution, straight edge (no smoking, no drugs, no drinking.) So what. I am not going to change you because you want to be with me. I am not going to judge you, I'm not like that. What I will do is actually give a damn about you and not just date you for a specific reason (body, hair, etc.) SO WHAT.
The last person who convinced me I wasn't wrong for being how I am lied a lot. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should become a stereotype and wear risque outfit and become a cheerleader and stop eating. Or I could diet (aka eat salad once a day.) Sorry that doesn't work for me. I have a better idea. Why don't you all suck my dick and I will be happy with what I am, who I am, and who I want to be. I may not be happy with my body or the way I act sometimes but I am not ruining my life to get with a guy.




And btw. I wouldn't cry at a party because no one would hook up with me where everyone was drunk but still had enough common sense to not do it. :)

You don't want my heart, its too broken and really fragile.

I think that it has come to the point where I don't even bother anymore, honestly. My heart is so mangled and tormented people just don't want to handle it. I get that I guess. Maybe I am just to me...I am shy, I have speech problems, and I and not the prettiest. This doesn't mean I deserve to be tormented, does it?

Ipod Thoughts round one

Otay, so when I go to school i don't have any internet to tell you everything shitty that goes down so I have been typing them on my Ipod so here are the highlights:

July 20

I'm still in love with you. I say I a not and I say that I cannot stand you but honestly, I still love you more than anything. You broke my heart so many times and didn't even care even if you said sorry. I just can't believe what you say anymore. What happened to the days when you said that you would love me forever and that you thought that the way I talked was just so adorable... After everything, I would still give anything to be with you and I don't know why. I am a mess without you and I am emotionless.

TODAY!

That moment when you meet eyes and your heart starts to race all over again just like the first time you looked into those eyes, those gorgeous, gorgeous eyes. After that, no matter how hard you try or how much it tears you up inside you have to smile for a while. Those few minutes feel like an hour and through that hour you feel wonderful but then, you are left with your already torn up heart ripped out and served to you once again. To him, that eye contact was nothing; just another game. Nothing. No matter what you tell yourself he is still your everything and he is with you in everything; your breathing, your thoughts, your wishes, your fears, and you dreams.

FromFirstToLast Populace in two

Your memories will always haunt me like a ghost
To put it nicely I hope you choke
A poet of sorts but I'm not enough to give you an eyesore
It's hard to swallow with your hands around my throat
I'm sick and tired of, I told you so
You can call me at home but I know better than to answer the phone
When people ask about the last time that we spoke
I let the stitches do the talking for the most part
And I leave out how you threw a lamp through my front window

Just burn the photographs and bury all the pages that we knew
In short this is a long goodbye to unexpecting you

i love blasting this song at 130 in the morning

Birthday Irony.

I think its funny how I was in love with you so you dropped me and then became best friends with the poeple who have tormented me all of my life. Really, its mother fucking hilarious don't you think...

Lyrical Thoughts

Another six months I'll be unknown

I don't have any idea who anyone is anymore. Not my middle school best friends, my friends from last year, not even my best friend or, oh hell, myself. Why is everyone changing all of a sudden? Why am I still the same? Am I the same? I don't think I am. A lot has changed me; I needed to change; I need to change.

That's what makes my life so fucking fantastic.

Sarcasm. I use it as much as I can and as much as I need to. I use it to lie to people and have them believe me without guilt. I use it to throw insults. I also take peoples words sarcastically sometimes just so I have a reason to be angry. Every day she will ask how is school and I say fine. Maybe one day I can tell her about how much over a piece of crap place it is with crap people in it. To do that I have to tell her a lot she doesn't need to know.

____________________________________________________________________

Lyric of the Night.

If you hate me then fuck you! <3

New Favorite Poem Book Ever. EVER!

I'm Tyrannosaurus!

I've got it made;

With my long, sharp teeth,

I'm never afraid.

I am Diplodocus,

Gigantic and slow;

I like to eat plants

Wherever I go.

Words are Flowing Out Like Endless Rain into a Paper Cup

I hate the girls that love to hate because they're just like me.

My ARCH NEMESIS sits next to me in my one class, oh joy. It is going to be a long year. I am going back to being me. Fuck everyone who wants to change that. I am going to be that awkward quite girl that doesn't give a shit. The fact that I am turning 15 and still pathetically single is, well, pathetic-er. Is that a word? Is that even possible?

a word from the used:

"Is it worth it? Can you even hear me? Standing with you spotlight on me. Not enough to feed the hungry, I'm tired and I've felt it for a while now, in this sea of lonely. The taste of ink is getting old and its Four O'clock in the Fucking Morning Each day gets more and more like the last day."

No meaning to this post, just a good song :)